Back in the summer of 1986, a turbulent nation became swept up in Rodney Dangerfield fever (to pave the way for Rover Dangerfield fever) with the release of Back to School – a cinematic romp that packed in the laughs and had enough breastesses peppered in to keep the teenage mind enthralled. A few days before its release date, the Boston Celtics defeated the Houston Rockets 4 games to 2 to capture their 16th NBA championship. Yes, these were heady days. 22 years later, the Celtics are poised to raise another banner to the rafters, but along the way they will have to maneuver through the “land mines” of the Eastern Conference. What better way to tie it together than to compare the various Eastern Conference foes to characters of Back to School? Whereas the Celtics are Thornton Melon, other teams are …
Atlanta Hawks: Young Thornton Meloni (as played by Jason Hervey). While this in no way means that the Hawks will grow up to be “Tall and Fat” (or “Tall and Phat” NBA championships-wise), the comparison has merits – they are trying to be a facsimile of the real deal (“Look, he’s pulling his collar and necktie – that’s what a grown-up Rodney does!”). There’s pieces of a real team, and there’s hope, with All-Star Joe Johnson (personally, I thought Hedo Turkoglu should have had his spot, but okay), the NBA’s best off-ball shot blocker in Josh Smith, and likely ROY runner-up Al Horford. So it’s a cute beginning. As Papa Tony Meloni would say, "if a man's got no education, he's got nothing"; consider this the Hawks 4 game harsh education. More importantly, this part lasted for the first 5 minutes of the movie and not heard from again, so your similarities begin and end there.
Philadelphia 76ers: Derek Lutz (as played by Robert Downey, Jr.) Jason Melon had 1 friend, Derek; he had no friends. The Sixers certainly had no friends the other night, with defeat snatched out of the locker room of victory against the Cavs. No one will pick them to make a lot of noise in the playoffs, certainly not against the Pistons in round one. Still, they’re going to try to take on the whole football team with a missile through their helmet. Their best work is still a few years away (Sixers with cap room and young stars in the making Andre Iguoadala and Thaddeus Young; Robert Downey Jr. with Chaplin and Natural Born Killers). There’s promise here, and maybe they’ll score a few points by heckling a diver/taking a couple of games at the Wachovia Center.
Toronto Raptors: Jason Melon (as played by Keith Gordon) Hey, wouldn’t you think that the son of Tall and Fat magnate Thornton Melon would be more dynamic and charismatic than Jason Melon? Yeah, me too. The Dinos point guard play is more than solid – T. Jose Caldeford. Chris Bosh is an All-Star who definitely holds his own compared to the rest of the top of the draft class of 2003. Anthony Parker – great glue guy. Jamario Moon is one of the feel-good stories of 2008. They can stick it from three. Shouldn’t they be better than a .500 team in the Eastern Conference? Shouldn’t Jason a) have had more friends going into college when his famous dad throws money around like a sailor on shore leave, and b) have gone to a better diving school than Grand Lakes U. that hadn’t won in oh so long, c) not tanked it in his original team tryouts? The 08 Raps should have been better; Jason Melon shouldn’t have been such a tool, but here we are.
Washington Wizards: Chas Osborn (as played by William Zabka) You knew once Chas came on screen he would be the villain so to speak. The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, European Vacation - he was cemented as the guy you wanted to take down a peg. Now, you shouldn’t think of Gilbert Arenas that way, but you might if you’ve got a grudge against Agent Zero. And Chas’ outfit at his frat party the night of Melon’s big bash – a little homoerotic, n’est pas? Have you seen some of Deshawn Stevenson’s get-ups? The injury bug has really hit the Wizards this year; we all know of Chas’ injury at the big diving meet, although his cramps at the time were most likely menstrual. Screw you Melon!
Cleveland Cavaliers: Professor Terguson (as played by Sam Kinison) Sam Kinison nearly stole this movie right out from Rodney’s feet. Say it! Say it! Say it!!! Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!! A virtual one man gang - ripping off desks, screaming at coeds, grabbing Gisele like an old King Kong poster. He didn’t get a lot of screen time, but you certainly remembered his presence in the picture. LeBron, NBA’s 1 man gang, will be the same deal – 2 rounds, some great displays, maybe a triple-double or three, but a bit player in the big picture when it comes down to it. In the final tally, Thornton Melon/the Celtics will see that he is a good player who really seems to care. About what, they have no idea (note: most likely not Darfur). Bonus note – in consideration for this part, up and coming comic Jim Carrey. Also considered for Cleveland’s 2003 #1 pick – Carmelo Anthony and Darko Milicic.
Orlando Magic: Lou (as played by Burt Young - It’s Paulie! Yay!) Good to know that if Melon ever gets upset, Lou will get physical. Of course, when the Magic get upset, their brand of physical can sometimes lead to turnovers and missed free throws (looking at you, D-How). In this movie, Lou is the kind-hearted muscle, good to have around, but definitely not the brains of the operation. On a basketball team, the brains or head is often the PG; Orlando’s is Jameer Nelson. Right, okay. When playing the Pistons in round 2, it might be a good idea to hold up a sign outside the limo that says “Bruce Springsteen”, or whoever Chauncey Billups favorite singer is (either Jay-Z or 50 Cent or Debbie Gibson).
Detroit Pistons: Dr. Phillip Barbay (as played by Paxton Whitehead; if you put him in front of Rasheed Wallace, they could re-enact the famous mirror scene between Lucille Ball and Harpo Marx) Now obviously, the Pistons have more skills than an uptight British economics professor. Still he had a sweet 2 seater and initially bagged the Sally Kellerman English prof, so you know the game had to be there at some point. Obviously, Dr. Barbay’s best moves were in the past. That’s the feeling you get with the Pistons; everyone says they are the savvy veterans who know how to win, with 1 title and ½ a quarter away from #2. But they let the Heat get by 2 years ago, and Flip Saunders undercoached this team against the LeBrons last year. Are they really going to turn it on now? What’s been stopping them the last 2 years? Why do they have to be so up tight? Can’t they loosen up and have a little fun? Why are they trying to produce tape recorders? The Japs will eat them alive in labor costs. In the EC Finals, there will be only one question, with 7 (or less) parts; Melon will wearily answer “Four?”, as in the number of games the C’s will win over the Pistons.
Boston Celtics: Thornton Melon (as played by Rodney Dangerfield) These cats definitely got some respect (and esteem and regards), and didn’t have to pay to many visits to team doctor Brian McKeon/Vinny Boombatz. Everybody loved Rodney in Caddyshack – why did we have to wait so long to return to form? (Easy Money doesn’t count). Everybody loved Garnett in 2004 – why did we have to wait so long to return to NBA playoff form? (The money earned from the largest contract in the league assuredly doesn’t count) Melon put his “Tall and Fat” empire on hold to help his family through a tough time; the Celtics put together tall (Garnett) and fat (Glen Davis) to get Celtic fans over the tough time of not winning a championship for 22 years. Melon knocked down 3 dorm rooms for one gigantic suite; the Celtics put together 3 stars for 1 steamrolling team. The regular season has been slightly less grueling than the near-end-of-movie Melon studying montage. The EC playoffs will be handled easier than the gauntlet of oral exams. The NBA Finals will be a fitting Triple Lindy-esque dive into victory. So look out for number one. But don't step in number two.
Bonus: David Stern = Dean Martin
Stern/Martin: I’m going to ask you this only one time. Did you purchase the Sonics with the explicit intent to move them to Oklahoma City?
Bennett: I can’t lie to you, Dean Stern. No I didn’t.
Stern/Martin: I’m satisfied.
Sonic Fans: We're outraged!
Stern/Martin: Gee whiz, I just asked the man if he operated in good faith. What do you want me to do, torture him?
And…scene.
--Doneycat
Today's parlay: Series closeout special - New York Rangers (-105) over 5 goals (+130).
Units: 1
Units to win: 3.49
Result: Winner!
Units +/- to date: 27.51
Atlanta Hawks: Young Thornton Meloni (as played by Jason Hervey). While this in no way means that the Hawks will grow up to be “Tall and Fat” (or “Tall and Phat” NBA championships-wise), the comparison has merits – they are trying to be a facsimile of the real deal (“Look, he’s pulling his collar and necktie – that’s what a grown-up Rodney does!”). There’s pieces of a real team, and there’s hope, with All-Star Joe Johnson (personally, I thought Hedo Turkoglu should have had his spot, but okay), the NBA’s best off-ball shot blocker in Josh Smith, and likely ROY runner-up Al Horford. So it’s a cute beginning. As Papa Tony Meloni would say, "if a man's got no education, he's got nothing"; consider this the Hawks 4 game harsh education. More importantly, this part lasted for the first 5 minutes of the movie and not heard from again, so your similarities begin and end there.
Philadelphia 76ers: Derek Lutz (as played by Robert Downey, Jr.) Jason Melon had 1 friend, Derek; he had no friends. The Sixers certainly had no friends the other night, with defeat snatched out of the locker room of victory against the Cavs. No one will pick them to make a lot of noise in the playoffs, certainly not against the Pistons in round one. Still, they’re going to try to take on the whole football team with a missile through their helmet. Their best work is still a few years away (Sixers with cap room and young stars in the making Andre Iguoadala and Thaddeus Young; Robert Downey Jr. with Chaplin and Natural Born Killers). There’s promise here, and maybe they’ll score a few points by heckling a diver/taking a couple of games at the Wachovia Center.
Toronto Raptors: Jason Melon (as played by Keith Gordon) Hey, wouldn’t you think that the son of Tall and Fat magnate Thornton Melon would be more dynamic and charismatic than Jason Melon? Yeah, me too. The Dinos point guard play is more than solid – T. Jose Caldeford. Chris Bosh is an All-Star who definitely holds his own compared to the rest of the top of the draft class of 2003. Anthony Parker – great glue guy. Jamario Moon is one of the feel-good stories of 2008. They can stick it from three. Shouldn’t they be better than a .500 team in the Eastern Conference? Shouldn’t Jason a) have had more friends going into college when his famous dad throws money around like a sailor on shore leave, and b) have gone to a better diving school than Grand Lakes U. that hadn’t won in oh so long, c) not tanked it in his original team tryouts? The 08 Raps should have been better; Jason Melon shouldn’t have been such a tool, but here we are.
Washington Wizards: Chas Osborn (as played by William Zabka) You knew once Chas came on screen he would be the villain so to speak. The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, European Vacation - he was cemented as the guy you wanted to take down a peg. Now, you shouldn’t think of Gilbert Arenas that way, but you might if you’ve got a grudge against Agent Zero. And Chas’ outfit at his frat party the night of Melon’s big bash – a little homoerotic, n’est pas? Have you seen some of Deshawn Stevenson’s get-ups? The injury bug has really hit the Wizards this year; we all know of Chas’ injury at the big diving meet, although his cramps at the time were most likely menstrual. Screw you Melon!
Cleveland Cavaliers: Professor Terguson (as played by Sam Kinison) Sam Kinison nearly stole this movie right out from Rodney’s feet. Say it! Say it! Say it!!! Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!! A virtual one man gang - ripping off desks, screaming at coeds, grabbing Gisele like an old King Kong poster. He didn’t get a lot of screen time, but you certainly remembered his presence in the picture. LeBron, NBA’s 1 man gang, will be the same deal – 2 rounds, some great displays, maybe a triple-double or three, but a bit player in the big picture when it comes down to it. In the final tally, Thornton Melon/the Celtics will see that he is a good player who really seems to care. About what, they have no idea (note: most likely not Darfur). Bonus note – in consideration for this part, up and coming comic Jim Carrey. Also considered for Cleveland’s 2003 #1 pick – Carmelo Anthony and Darko Milicic.
Orlando Magic: Lou (as played by Burt Young - It’s Paulie! Yay!) Good to know that if Melon ever gets upset, Lou will get physical. Of course, when the Magic get upset, their brand of physical can sometimes lead to turnovers and missed free throws (looking at you, D-How). In this movie, Lou is the kind-hearted muscle, good to have around, but definitely not the brains of the operation. On a basketball team, the brains or head is often the PG; Orlando’s is Jameer Nelson. Right, okay. When playing the Pistons in round 2, it might be a good idea to hold up a sign outside the limo that says “Bruce Springsteen”, or whoever Chauncey Billups favorite singer is (either Jay-Z or 50 Cent or Debbie Gibson).
Detroit Pistons: Dr. Phillip Barbay (as played by Paxton Whitehead; if you put him in front of Rasheed Wallace, they could re-enact the famous mirror scene between Lucille Ball and Harpo Marx) Now obviously, the Pistons have more skills than an uptight British economics professor. Still he had a sweet 2 seater and initially bagged the Sally Kellerman English prof, so you know the game had to be there at some point. Obviously, Dr. Barbay’s best moves were in the past. That’s the feeling you get with the Pistons; everyone says they are the savvy veterans who know how to win, with 1 title and ½ a quarter away from #2. But they let the Heat get by 2 years ago, and Flip Saunders undercoached this team against the LeBrons last year. Are they really going to turn it on now? What’s been stopping them the last 2 years? Why do they have to be so up tight? Can’t they loosen up and have a little fun? Why are they trying to produce tape recorders? The Japs will eat them alive in labor costs. In the EC Finals, there will be only one question, with 7 (or less) parts; Melon will wearily answer “Four?”, as in the number of games the C’s will win over the Pistons.
Boston Celtics: Thornton Melon (as played by Rodney Dangerfield) These cats definitely got some respect (and esteem and regards), and didn’t have to pay to many visits to team doctor Brian McKeon/Vinny Boombatz. Everybody loved Rodney in Caddyshack – why did we have to wait so long to return to form? (Easy Money doesn’t count). Everybody loved Garnett in 2004 – why did we have to wait so long to return to NBA playoff form? (The money earned from the largest contract in the league assuredly doesn’t count) Melon put his “Tall and Fat” empire on hold to help his family through a tough time; the Celtics put together tall (Garnett) and fat (Glen Davis) to get Celtic fans over the tough time of not winning a championship for 22 years. Melon knocked down 3 dorm rooms for one gigantic suite; the Celtics put together 3 stars for 1 steamrolling team. The regular season has been slightly less grueling than the near-end-of-movie Melon studying montage. The EC playoffs will be handled easier than the gauntlet of oral exams. The NBA Finals will be a fitting Triple Lindy-esque dive into victory. So look out for number one. But don't step in number two.
Bonus: David Stern = Dean Martin
Stern/Martin: I’m going to ask you this only one time. Did you purchase the Sonics with the explicit intent to move them to Oklahoma City?
Bennett: I can’t lie to you, Dean Stern. No I didn’t.
Stern/Martin: I’m satisfied.
Sonic Fans: We're outraged!
Stern/Martin: Gee whiz, I just asked the man if he operated in good faith. What do you want me to do, torture him?
And…scene.
--Doneycat
Today's parlay: Series closeout special - New York Rangers (-105) over 5 goals (+130).
Units: 1
Units to win: 3.49
Result: Winner!
Units +/- to date: 27.51
1 comment:
Great post.
And if you want to do a Hawks preview for HP, I'll run it. Just fill in the twenty questions.
Ka-kaw!
Thanks for reading,
HP
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