Money shot

Now's as good a night to try as any, the money-wasting, bookmark-making, multigame NBA/NHL parlay that will crap out but give the chance to dream:

Philadelphia +9-1/2 (-110)
Utah +1-1/2 (-110)
Utah under 182 (-110)
New Orleans -7 (-110)
New Orleans over 195 (-110)
Phoenix +5 (-105)
Pittsburgh Penguins (+125)
Dallas Stars (-135)

Units: 1
Units to win: 100.58
Result: Epic Fail!
Units +/- to date: 35.41

Girl I'll House You

After a long and almost pointless absence, "House" is back on Fox tonight. So Dr. Gregory House will be back doing good things in New Jersey, just like Vince Carter after Jason Kidd was traded, only more people will care, less people will be disappointed, and there is a chance at a post-season award.

You never really know where a good House episode will go - you think you know how he will react, then he'll turn in a completely different direction, meanwhile being kind of a kick the whole way - just like LeBron! Like LeBron, everyone is playing off of the star. And the supporting cast is good enough but not great enough to play with. Personally, I think "House" is better comparatively than the Cleveland Cavaliers, but color me surprised by both. No way I would have thought House would be one of the most popular shows on Fox 3-1/2 years ago.

This year's NBA first round is much like an episode of "House". Some games/episodes, the answers are all there, you just need to go with your gut and attack what you think is the right answer. Of course Utah would win games 1 and 2 in Houston since they were without Rafer Alston and Tracy McGrady hasn't downloaded his fourth quarter service pack from the internet. But then your gut instincts are thrown for a loop and the answer is so obscure that you would have never guessed it in a million years, like an enveloped twin or the Hawks showing backbone and not getting swept. Anyway, it's been a mildly intriguing round 1, setting up for some real doozies in round 2.

Speedy NBA Parlay:

I could have sworn that the Celtics would put the Hawks away on Saturday night. Quel suprise. Everything - emphasis on everything - points to the Celtics putting the young Hawks back into place tonight. But for some reason, I really like the points tonight. You would think that Boston would like to make a statement, but this is the Eastern quarters, not the Eastern finals. I'm taking Atlanta +9-1/2 (-110), but everything I know from watching these Hawks the last few years leads me to one point. Whenever they would get on a good run, like winning 3, 4, or 5 in a row (which wasn't often), they would turn around completely phone in a game to start a tailspin losing streak. Whenever they accomplished something, however small, they would get all uppity and not do the things that got them going in the first place. I think that's what they call "bad coaching" or something to that affect. After all the back patting after game 3, it could very well happen tonight, but I'm banking on it happening in game 5 back in Boston - in a huge way.

Wow, how many possible ways can the Nuggets be done. I say 24. Maybe 16. Or even 10. Probably not 28, but you never know. If Denver keeps it within 6 (Lakers -5, -110) consider this a moral victory and plan how next year you can win 48 games and be in the exact same spot next year.

And remember, it's never lupus.

Units: 1

Units to win: 2.64

Result: Winner!

Units +/- to date: 31.77

Oh. Canada?

Another quick shot today, on the road. And hells yeah, I'm kickin' it Canada style!

Toronto Raptors -4 (-105) Played better than I thought on Tuesday, hopefully there will be much more Calderon than Ford, more Moon/Kapono/Humphries than Bargnani. Toronto crowd must and will step up tonight.
(Don't love either of the other NBA matchups tonight. I don't think Cle. is good enough to sweep, but if just one of the Wiz starting three and two-thirds (Haywood and Stevenson are thirds, I'm counting Arenas as starter) gets hot, they could turn and hide like the Cavs in game 2. And Utah should win, but those 9 points are too frisky for me.)

Montreal Canadiens (-190) Rookie goalie on a magical Stanley Cup run? Sign me up and let me jump on board. Patrick Roy, take my ticket. Steve Penney, show me to my seat.

Toronto Blue Jays over 9 runs (+105) Nah, I don't like it or this game with the Rays. But I'll be pulling for it like it was Canada Day (July 1). I know my Canada - B- in my Canadian-American relations class in college. So there.

Now kick it Robin Sparkles!

Units: 1
Units to win: 1.98
Result: Winner!
Units +/- to date: 32.77

Wednesday (possibly Business Time)

I'm going to try 2 quick things today.

1. Two game parlay with 2 NBA dogs tonight (good gravy, not the Hawks):
Philadelphia +10-1/2 (-115)
Denver +8-1/2 (-115)
1 unit to win 2.50 - Fail. Wrong night to pick dogs.

2. Prop bets
a) Joe Johnson over 22 points (+130) 1 unit to win 1.3 units - Loss
b) Allen Iverson points and rebounds over 35 (-130) 1.3 units to win 1 - Win. Huzzah!
c) Marcus Camby over 12-1/2 rebounds (-120) 1.2 units to win 1 - Big win, one I would have loaded up on in Vegas/Caribbean

Units: 4.5
Units to win: 5.8
Results: Even Steven. Giddy-up.
Units +/- to date: 30.79

Aaah-waaaaaaah, oo-woah-oo-woah-woa-oh!

I don't know why, but I do. I like the "American Idol", what with the star making, and the faux controversies, and the results after the break, and the preparing of girls for Tony Romo to date. Mind you, I don't like the tryout stages, where half of it is filled with "look at me!" losers. Seriously, how did that many of America's late-teens/early 20's people get that sad and flamboyant? Of course, if you had these type of people trying out for the St. Louis Rams each summer, that would certainly liven up preseason.

And that's what "American Idol" is - football season for those who don't follow football. It lasts about as long, there are basically 16 or so games. I think the preseason blows, some people really get into it. If you suck, Jay Leno will weakly make fun of you in a "Tonight Show" monologue, e.g., Sanjaya or the Detroit Lions. Someone who can get to the final 8 of a talent search that has tens of thousands try out is considered a loser. People in the crowd make signs with FOX in them to get on TV. Ryan Seacrest is your Jim Nantz (Dunkelman is your Bryant Gumbel). Some of the most rabid fans are borderline insane. Offshoot industries are supported by the machine - Idol magazines, half the stuff on the TV Guide channel, the love affair with Entertainment Weekly.

Is there an AIFL? On a quick search, I've seen two - a and b. What I'm seeing out there is a lot where you make your own picks on who's advancing or being eliminated each week. Fine, I guess, kinda NCAA-bracketlike. But what I like about fantasy football or basketball is you've got a team, you stick with it. You pull for them or you make a trade or hit the waiver wire. I say do it this way: hold the draft right before Hollywood week, pick a certain amount of boys and girls, get points for making the final 12; get points for being declared safe, less points for bottom three but then safe, no points for elimination. Trading deadline is when the cutoff is made for the group that goes on the Idol tour that summer.

Anyway, there are six Idol contestants left. There are also six NBA teams in first round games tonight. There are 2 strong favorites in the competition, David Archuleta (8/11 favorite to win it all) and David Cook (13/10). Two teams tonight have 1-0 leads and looked really strong, New Orleans and Orlando. The two Davids will keep moving on, and the Hornets -4 and the Magic -6 are two of my picks tonight. (I also like the Hornets over 193.) I compare Jason Castro to the Suns +2 - funky enough to get things done, a real longshot to win the title, but will definitely make things interesting along the way. Plus, I see the Suns willing this one tonight - if Shaq's got anything left, it's gotta come out tonight.

I think the 3 ladies left will be the bottom 3 tomorrow. Syesha Mercado - she keeps trying to copy vocal powerhouses like Whitney and Mariah and coming off like a cheap knockoff. Hmm, that's kinda like Avery Johnson of the Mavs coaching style. Carly Smithson was an early favorite, already had a big deal, now looking to recapture glory after gaining US citizenship - just like Tim Duncan (both tattooed!). And I really like Brooke White, but she just doesn't have enough to win, sadly, like the Raptors whom I really like as well. Plus, I think Jose Calderon first came over to the US as an au pair.

As a bonus tonight, I like the 2 home teams in NHL game 7's, Washington -155 and San Jose -200. Home ice isn't the end all be all in pucks, but I think these teams' star players tip the balances in each of their favors, or favours as they write where Robin Sparkles comes from.

Units wagered: 1

Units to win: 31.78

Result: Loss

Units +/- to date: 30.79

The District

A few years ago on CBS, they had a show called, "The District", starring everyone's favorite Coach and future Mr. Incredible, Craig T. Nelson. It was about a tough-as-nails (as opposed to a tough-as-wood-epoxy) police commissioner of the District of Columbia. I don't know why I remembered this, as I probably saw about 17 seconds of it in its 4 seasons. But tonight I like the Washington squads that don't have racist mascots (unless mystical, D&D characters offend you). Plus, for some ungodly reason, I really liked "Coach" - oh Luther and Dauber, what crazy hijinks will you fall into this week?

I thought Saturday's Cavs-Wiz game was tighter than the final score indicated. Washington's shooting will be a skosh better tonight. This just smells to me like one of those games in a 7-game series where the road team steals one to make it 1-1, but then the other team will return the favor in the other barn.

And I have no basis whatsoever in this, but I think the Caps take the bus up to Philadelphia and even the series up 3-3, just to make Flyer fans sweat it out. Washington playoff hockey history is gruesome at best - what better way to treat your fans than to come back from a 3-1 deficit, then lose a multi-overtime, Bill Clement tie around the head game 7?

Part 3 has no ties to Washington; I guess there is a Utah Avenue in DC, but I suppose you could do that for any state/letter except J/number up to 49. After this weekend's whooping, how are the Rockets still favored over the Jazz? Still no Skip to my Lou, still the same ol' Tracy McGrady. Utah smells blood - they're going to slam this one early and often. This closes out my DC/Road Dog Monday parlay. If you can, grab the hoops games money line:

Washington Wizards (+105) (getting 2)

Washington Capitals (+125)

Utah Jazz (-105) (getting 1)

Units wagered: 1

Units to win: 8.00

Result: Loss

Units +/- to date: 31.79

Holy Crizzap!

Wow, 2 parlays in a row! I never lose! So for 8 parlays here, 5 have lost (1 by 1 point, 1 because the American public doesn't care if Idol is giving back) and 3 have come home: 6.28, 3.49, and 28.02. So right now, I'm up 32.79 units. So if I had a rich uncle and any sack and put down $100 on each parlay, I'd be up $3,279. Eat it, SPDR!

Today is a quick parlay for the NBA first round - I destroyed the first round last year, I'm on a path to do the same this year.

Toronto +6-1/2 (-110) O-town's not that much better than the Raptors
LA Lakers -8-1/2 (-110) I think Mamba's on a mission - he ain't messin' around.
Philadelphia +9-1/2 (-110) I just got a feeling Philly is going to keep hanging around all night; I just don't see them getting steamrolled.

Units wagered: 1
Units to win: 5.96
Result: Loss
Units +/- to date: 31.79

$19.95

The Western Conference hasn't been this up in the air since 1995, when 6 seeded Houston Rockets won the NBA title, thanks to a few Dream Shakes and some Nick Anderson free throw misses. The 95 Spurs with the Admiral looked poised to move to the next level, Utah was solid, but Hakeem et al. put it all together in one of the great NBA spring runs, going 5-0 in games they could have been eliminated in. In line with yesterday's EC preview, I wanted to honor the West by matching up teams with movies that came out in that glorious year of 1995. So I went to the trusty Internet Movie Database, to see what we could come up with. In reviewing the list, I saw what an incredible year for movies this was! Here's a good sized list of movies I saw from 95; check the full list on imdb for movies released. (I haven't included any adult titles - find those on your own. Me, I'm partial to Vivid's "Where the Boys Aren't 7" .) After each movie, I'll comment and say which each one reminds me of.

1995 Movies:

Billy Madison - It's Nudie Magazine Day! (Nuggets)
The Quick and the Dead - Sharon Stone has decidedly more pants on than in Basic Instinct (why do I think it's the Suns?)
Before Sunrise - Interesting little indie movie; didn't need a sequel (one great night, reflected on 12 years later in Before Sunset; maybe we'll reflect in 2020 about 22 great nights of the Rockets)
The Brady Bunch Movie - Hollywood's cookie cutter formula: take a beloved show from the 60's/70's, update it, make characters sad and trapped from that era (I think that's how George Karl decides on how to dress for some Nuggets games)
Dream a Little Dream 2 - Corey and Corey together again to answer all the unanswered questions of Dream a Little Dream (Spurs sequels (no back-to-backs) haven't worked either)
Outbreak - check out that cast! And McDreamy is Patient Zero! Not bad, but shouldn't it have been better? (Nuggets)
Circle of Friends - Umm... no, didn't see it. But my wife liked it. (Lakers. Sure, they're all happy now; 6 months ago, the Clippers looked better - and Brand was already hurt)
Bye Bye Love - I just remember that this movie, about divorced families and weekend dads, had a McDonald's tie in. Smooth move. Thank you for introducing Eliza Dushku though. (a team of "smooth moves" - Mavericks)
Major Payne - Remember when Damon Wayans was funny? Good, then you don't remember Major Payne (Jazz - Damon Wayans, star of Celtic Pride, where he is a star for the Utah Jazz; sometimes it's real simple)
Tommy Boy - The seminal piece from the Farley-Spade duo. Cute and endearing. (Hornets: Paul-West = Farley Spade. Think about it.)
Bad Boys - What a turn the 2 stars have gone through; one is a major movie star, the other has his picture popping up on Deadspin all the time (pick a team with a great duo - any one of eight)
Jury Duty - Chillin' with the Weas. (No playoff team should be linked with Pauly Shore; how about the Kings?)
Stuart Saves His Family - for SNL skits -> movies, better than It's Pat. (Just like the Mavericks)
Friday - Lakers. All day.
French Kiss - I saw this chick flick and I wasn't even dating anyone at the time. I hope you're happy, Charles and Kelli. (Spurs. Because Tony Parker is Le French. Just like Kevin Kline.)
Crimson Tide - Great older actor sparring with great younger actor, spruced up dialogue by Quentin Tarantino. (Suns. Their Mr. Orange, Boris Diaw, is undercover too, posing as a basketball player. Shhh, I won't tell.)
Die Hard: With a Vengence - To this day, whenever I need to exercise my brain, I try to think of how to get exactly 4 gallons using only a 3 gallon jug and a 5 gallon jug. Try it. (Lakers - now that's how a seasoned veteran (McLain/Kobe) integrates a new teammate (Zeus/Gasol) on the fly.)
Braveheart - Freedom! (Northwest Division Championship! - Jazz)
Forget Paris - How many NBAers are embaressed they are in this movie? 4? 12? Everyone except Isiah Thomas? (Dick Bavetta)
The Bridges of Madison County - Truthfully, I haven't seen it. (Suns - but I bet Boris Diaw has read the book.)
Batman Forever - Okay I guess, but I think at this point, we were over the Batman stuff. Cast change didn't really help. (Mavericks)
Slam Dunk Ernest - (pour a little out for the Warriors)
Judge Dredd - I am the law. (David Stern)
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie - Thank Jeebus my son isn't involved with this stuff (5 robots combining to form one powerful robot - Rockets)
Clueless - ya know, this movie still kinda holds up over time (Spurs, although Robert Horry at 37 doesn't hang nearly as well as Stacey Dash at 42. Damn!)
Babe - That'll do, pig. (Mavs - that'll do, Erick Dampier)
Dangerous Minds - the white star (Pfieffer) coming in to save the inner city kids (of course, the Utah Jazz and Kyle Korver)
The Usual Suspects - it all comes together at the end (Lakers - Jerry Sloan will drop his coffee cup after he sees Derek Fisher limp off the court)
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar - Ummm, yeah. (Suns)
Empire Records - Interesting little cast, good cable filler (Hornets)
Se7en - Young up and comer, teamed with the grizzled veteran, plus Spacey. Things going seven. (You know, there's really not the perfect fit on this one. Hornets? Lakers? Jazz? Suns? This would be a great formula for a title team - it's like the '06 Heat.)
Showgirls - I don't know what's better, the Jessie Spano boob-filled craptacular, or the VH1 version where they digitally add bras (Jazz - well, Nomi Malone did come from Utah. How do you survive as a hooker in Utah? Is there a freaky-deaky side no one cares to tell about? I both do and do not want to know.)
Jade - Caruso left "NYPD Blue" for this? (Mavericks - Kidd left Jersey for this)
Get Shorty - Made me almost want to read the book. Almost. (Lakers)
Mallrats - An underrated pic in the Kevin Smith View Askewniverse. (Hornets - and the Mavs will get the Stinkpalm.)
Leaving Las Vegas - What a depressing punch in the gut flick. I love it! (Mavericks)
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls - While seeing this trailer at the movies in 1995, people openly cheered. I openly wept for America. (Nuggets)
Casino - One of my favorite Scorsese flicks (Rockets - a lot of ups and downs)
Toy Story - Thank you Pixar. Now I have to spend all this money on Nemo and Lightning McQueen stuff. (Lakers - now that's how a seasoned veteran integrates a new teammate on the fly.)
Jumanji - Remember Craig Kilborn? He often said Jumanji! (He also liked the Clippers Pooh Richardson and the Warriors Chris Webber. Where are those three now?)
Grumpier Old Men (Spurs - again, the sequel thing hasn't been working here)
Cutthroat Island - Geena Davis as a swashbuckling pirate? Can't lose! (Mavericks)
Dead Man Walking - Nuggets.
Mr. Holland's Opus - If your only son was deaf, wouldn't you learn to sign really well? (Suns - when you're getting the ball from Steve Nash, wouldn't that be good for your career, Matrix?)

I'm still trying to get a handle on the Hornets, but I like the Lakers and Jazz. Too bad they'll meet in round 2.

Today's Sunday NBA Round 1 Game 1 Parlay Special:
Cleveland -4 (-105) The Cavs have done pretty well against the Wiz this year, and I don't this Washington squad is ready just yet. This has the feel of a Game 1 blowout --> Game 2 really close type of series.
Phoenix +4 (-110) The Spurs sometimes give away a game early in a series, and I think Phoenix wants to make a stand early. And Amare is playing like a beast right now. Wow! Shaq is a helper!
New Orleans -5 (-105) Forget about the season finale, the emotion is going to be sky high for this tilt. Of course, it didn't work for Toronto in their game 1 last year. Then again, they didn't have a CP3/West/Peja/Chandler combo.

Units: 1
Units to win: 6.28
Result: Winner!
Units +/- to date: 26.51

--Doneycat

"I'd like to tame your shrew"

Back in the summer of 1986, a turbulent nation became swept up in Rodney Dangerfield fever (to pave the way for Rover Dangerfield fever) with the release of Back to School – a cinematic romp that packed in the laughs and had enough breastesses peppered in to keep the teenage mind enthralled. A few days before its release date, the Boston Celtics defeated the Houston Rockets 4 games to 2 to capture their 16th NBA championship. Yes, these were heady days. 22 years later, the Celtics are poised to raise another banner to the rafters, but along the way they will have to maneuver through the “land mines” of the Eastern Conference. What better way to tie it together than to compare the various Eastern Conference foes to characters of Back to School? Whereas the Celtics are Thornton Melon, other teams are …

Atlanta Hawks: Young Thornton Meloni (as played by Jason Hervey). While this in no way means that the Hawks will grow up to be “Tall and Fat” (or “Tall and Phat” NBA championships-wise), the comparison has merits – they are trying to be a facsimile of the real deal (“Look, he’s pulling his collar and necktie – that’s what a grown-up Rodney does!”). There’s pieces of a real team, and there’s hope, with All-Star Joe Johnson (personally, I thought Hedo Turkoglu should have had his spot, but okay), the NBA’s best off-ball shot blocker in Josh Smith, and likely ROY runner-up Al Horford. So it’s a cute beginning. As Papa Tony Meloni would say, "if a man's got no education, he's got nothing"; consider this the Hawks 4 game harsh education. More importantly, this part lasted for the first 5 minutes of the movie and not heard from again, so your similarities begin and end there.

Philadelphia 76ers: Derek Lutz (as played by Robert Downey, Jr.) Jason Melon had 1 friend, Derek; he had no friends. The Sixers certainly had no friends the other night, with defeat snatched out of the locker room of victory against the Cavs. No one will pick them to make a lot of noise in the playoffs, certainly not against the Pistons in round one. Still, they’re going to try to take on the whole football team with a missile through their helmet. Their best work is still a few years away (Sixers with cap room and young stars in the making Andre Iguoadala and Thaddeus Young; Robert Downey Jr. with Chaplin and Natural Born Killers). There’s promise here, and maybe they’ll score a few points by heckling a diver/taking a couple of games at the Wachovia Center.

Toronto Raptors: Jason Melon (as played by Keith Gordon) Hey, wouldn’t you think that the son of Tall and Fat magnate Thornton Melon would be more dynamic and charismatic than Jason Melon? Yeah, me too. The Dinos point guard play is more than solid – T. Jose Caldeford. Chris Bosh is an All-Star who definitely holds his own compared to the rest of the top of the draft class of 2003. Anthony Parker – great glue guy. Jamario Moon is one of the feel-good stories of 2008. They can stick it from three. Shouldn’t they be better than a .500 team in the Eastern Conference? Shouldn’t Jason a) have had more friends going into college when his famous dad throws money around like a sailor on shore leave, and b) have gone to a better diving school than Grand Lakes U. that hadn’t won in oh so long, c) not tanked it in his original team tryouts? The 08 Raps should have been better; Jason Melon shouldn’t have been such a tool, but here we are.

Washington Wizards: Chas Osborn (as played by William Zabka) You knew once Chas came on screen he would be the villain so to speak. The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, European Vacation - he was cemented as the guy you wanted to take down a peg. Now, you shouldn’t think of Gilbert Arenas that way, but you might if you’ve got a grudge against Agent Zero. And Chas’ outfit at his frat party the night of Melon’s big bash – a little homoerotic, n’est pas? Have you seen some of Deshawn Stevenson’s get-ups? The injury bug has really hit the Wizards this year; we all know of Chas’ injury at the big diving meet, although his cramps at the time were most likely menstrual. Screw you Melon!

Cleveland Cavaliers: Professor Terguson (as played by Sam Kinison) Sam Kinison nearly stole this movie right out from Rodney’s feet. Say it! Say it! Say it!!! Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!! A virtual one man gang - ripping off desks, screaming at coeds, grabbing Gisele like an old King Kong poster. He didn’t get a lot of screen time, but you certainly remembered his presence in the picture. LeBron, NBA’s 1 man gang, will be the same deal – 2 rounds, some great displays, maybe a triple-double or three, but a bit player in the big picture when it comes down to it. In the final tally, Thornton Melon/the Celtics will see that he is a good player who really seems to care. About what, they have no idea (note: most likely not Darfur). Bonus note – in consideration for this part, up and coming comic Jim Carrey. Also considered for Cleveland’s 2003 #1 pick – Carmelo Anthony and Darko Milicic.

Orlando Magic: Lou (as played by Burt Young - It’s Paulie! Yay!) Good to know that if Melon ever gets upset, Lou will get physical. Of course, when the Magic get upset, their brand of physical can sometimes lead to turnovers and missed free throws (looking at you, D-How). In this movie, Lou is the kind-hearted muscle, good to have around, but definitely not the brains of the operation. On a basketball team, the brains or head is often the PG; Orlando’s is Jameer Nelson. Right, okay. When playing the Pistons in round 2, it might be a good idea to hold up a sign outside the limo that says “Bruce Springsteen”, or whoever Chauncey Billups favorite singer is (either Jay-Z or 50 Cent or Debbie Gibson).

Detroit Pistons: Dr. Phillip Barbay (as played by Paxton Whitehead; if you put him in front of Rasheed Wallace, they could re-enact the famous mirror scene between Lucille Ball and Harpo Marx) Now obviously, the Pistons have more skills than an uptight British economics professor. Still he had a sweet 2 seater and initially bagged the Sally Kellerman English prof, so you know the game had to be there at some point. Obviously, Dr. Barbay’s best moves were in the past. That’s the feeling you get with the Pistons; everyone says they are the savvy veterans who know how to win, with 1 title and ½ a quarter away from #2. But they let the Heat get by 2 years ago, and Flip Saunders undercoached this team against the LeBrons last year. Are they really going to turn it on now? What’s been stopping them the last 2 years? Why do they have to be so up tight? Can’t they loosen up and have a little fun? Why are they trying to produce tape recorders? The Japs will eat them alive in labor costs. In the EC Finals, there will be only one question, with 7 (or less) parts; Melon will wearily answer “Four?”, as in the number of games the C’s will win over the Pistons.

Boston Celtics: Thornton Melon (as played by Rodney Dangerfield) These cats definitely got some respect (and esteem and regards), and didn’t have to pay to many visits to team doctor Brian McKeon/Vinny Boombatz. Everybody loved Rodney in Caddyshack – why did we have to wait so long to return to form? (Easy Money doesn’t count). Everybody loved Garnett in 2004 – why did we have to wait so long to return to NBA playoff form? (The money earned from the largest contract in the league assuredly doesn’t count) Melon put his “Tall and Fat” empire on hold to help his family through a tough time; the Celtics put together tall (Garnett) and fat (Glen Davis) to get Celtic fans over the tough time of not winning a championship for 22 years. Melon knocked down 3 dorm rooms for one gigantic suite; the Celtics put together 3 stars for 1 steamrolling team. The regular season has been slightly less grueling than the near-end-of-movie Melon studying montage. The EC playoffs will be handled easier than the gauntlet of oral exams. The NBA Finals will be a fitting Triple Lindy-esque dive into victory. So look out for number one. But don't step in number two.

Bonus: David Stern = Dean Martin

Stern/Martin: I’m going to ask you this only one time. Did you purchase the Sonics with the explicit intent to move them to Oklahoma City?
Bennett: I can’t lie to you, Dean Stern. No I didn’t.
Stern/Martin: I’m satisfied.
Sonic Fans: We're outraged!
Stern/Martin: Gee whiz, I just asked the man if he operated in good faith. What do you want me to do, torture him?

And…scene.


--Doneycat

Today's parlay: Series closeout special - New York Rangers (-105) over 5 goals (+130).
Units: 1
Units to win: 3.49
Result: Winner!
Units +/- to date: 27.51

Press 4 to speak with an operator

Growing up in the late 70's, our TV was limited to PBS, ABC, NBC, CBS, and 2 UHF channels - slightly more if the rabbit ears could pick up New Hampshire channels. Looking back, it worked out fairly well, as I got to watch each and every episode of "The Brady Bunch" 137 times - enough so I could tell the plot of the episode while the opening credits were rolling. Bobby dribbling a basketball by himself in the driveway? He's gonna kiss Millicent and possibly get the mumps. And like Seinfeld, all my knowledge of classical music comes from Warner Brothers cartoons. Then, in the early 80's, we got cable - HBO Fraggle Rock, bad Atlanta Braves baseball, vanglorious cable. So I must thank you, Time Warner Cable, for making me what I am today.

Anyway, last week the Charlotte Bobcats entered into an agreement for broadcasting and stadium naming rights with TW cable. Shrewd move, I guess, for the last week of the season of an NBA also ran. I'm sure plenty of disgruntled cable customers can expect the same level of arena service getting their popcorn at halftime. It'll be tough outsourcing beer vendor jobs to India, but if anyone can do it, it can be the cable company.

And that's why I love the last game of the year played in Time Warner nee Charlotte Bobcats Arena. Let it all out, Matt Carroll. Shoot early and often, Louis Williams. I like Philly's bench to outscore the Cats' bench, but Charlotte plays more starters: Bobcats (-1, -110) and over 202 (-110).

While we're at it, another end of the year overs: Raptors/Bulls over 211 (-110) .

And Pittsburgh (-175) will put away Ottawa, because someone has to sweep in the 1st round, and this series has been one drunken mess for the Sens (sorry Mr. Heatley).

Units in play: 1
Units to win: 9.93
Result: loss
Units +/- to date: 24.02

Half-dozen of the other

Are you kidding me?

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?

I make dozens of anonymous parlays throughout my betting career and I hit a smattering of them, and the first time I publish a parlay online and it hits at 28-1! Somebody get me an infomercial! And a really ugly jacket! Oh wait, never mind, I have the jacket already.

Since we're rolling with house money, it's time to really gamble.... 6-bet parlay style!

Let's start it off with a little Rays (+115) over Yankees action. Edwin Jackson is pitching phenomenally to start the season (2-0, 0.64 ERA, 7 hits, 10 K’s), the Yankees are having injury and batting issues right now, and Andy Pettitte probably has the HGH shakes right about now.

Now shift to the NBA. There’s a lot of lottery-bound teams playing lottery-bound teams to end the season. To you, that might mean lousy basketball, but to me, it means nice over plays… and lousy basketball. The Nets play Charlotte tonight… now, Vince Carter may decide he has some nagging injury somewhere near his ladybits, or (more likely) he’ll try to score 50 so people will mention his name near the playoffs. The same goes for Jason Richardson… chuck the ball now and save defense for November or so. I look for a high-scoring suckfest, and I take Charlotte/New Jersey Over 209 (-110). For the above reason (especially since Memphis traded their rights to play defense to the Lakers in the Pau Gasol trade), I’m also taking Memphis/Portland Over 206 (-110).

And to end this parlay fever, I’m tossing out a 3-pick special on the Dodgers tonight. I’ve been to enough Dodger games in my life (and bet on enough of them) to feel when it all comes together. Good pitching in a pitcher’s park, beautiful day, and a definite possibility of the Pittsburgh team looking around, thinking “what are we doing in Pittsburgh?”, and trying to defect. So I look for the Dodgers to win (-1.5, +110), to score first (-120) and Over 4.5 runs (-120) tonight.

Units to wager: 1
Units to win: 54.31
Result: Loss
Units +/- to date: +25.02

--Freelove

Triple Lindy

Props to Freelove for bringing it home last night! Well played, sir! Looks like it's House Money Week at the Daily Parlay. What better way to celebrate than with a classic from 1986, the quintessential Rodney Dangerfield cinematic experience, Back to School. It had everything - beer, broads, the guy from The Karate Kid, and the guy from The Legend of Billie Jean and Christine who you wanted to kick in the crotch (but not in a mean-spirited kind of way). Best of all, it gave a growing, post-Boomer society another movie to throw out quotes for. I mean, who hasn't yelled out to a buddy when you needed a fifth for a pickup hoops game "Melon! We need you!"

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"Where should we build our (baseball) factory?"

"How about Fantasyland?"

When MLB decided to put a franchise in the Tampa-St. Pete metro area, they needed a guy like Thornton Melon in the room. Baseball in Florida? It can't miss! Look at all the spring training games there! All those old people with nothing to do. Oh, they'll come, Ray, they most assuredly will come. Yeah, how's it working out? And the Evan Longoria minor league decision early this year - great move if you were running a team in Fantasyland. If there's no hard feelings, fine. But this move reeks of a bean-counter decision, and while there is a place in baseball for bean-counters, bean-counters have a tough time bringing home runners in scoring position with less than 2 outs. (But they can move the runner over with a grounder to the right side.) Yankees (Kennedy) over Rays (-120)

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"Oh, we were doomed from the start. I'm an Earth sign. She's a Water sign. Together, we made mud."

Hockey? Nashville? OK I guess, it's not like there's anything great going on in Toronto (potentially horrid Mike Myers movies aside). The Preds have never won a post season series, they're not about to start now, but they don't have to get swept because I think Dan Ellis can stand on his head for one game. Plus, we could probably use another NHL.com blog from this guy. (Yeah, I don't know him either.) Nashville (+125) vs. Detroit

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"Do not go gentle into that good night..."

“It means... I don't take sh*t from no one”.

Here is my inspiration for Back to School day at TDP: The Golden State Warriors. Face it, the dream is about to die. They won't make it to the playoffs, and even if they do, they can't win the whole thing. Hey, Thornton Melon didn't graduate from Grand Lakes U either - someone had to run Melon's Tall and Fat. Doesn't mean you can't go out in a 27-part-question answering, Triple Lindy-ing, son gets the girl from Chas blaze of glory. Playing the part of Chas: the Phoenix Suns. Golden State (+5, -110) vs. Phoenix.

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Units to wager: 1

Units to win: 6.88
Result: Loss (by 1 point - thanks a cargo pantload, Austin Croshere!)
Units +/- to date: +26.02

Later this week - NBA Eastern Conference preview, as set to Back to School.

--Doneycat

A Tradition Like 3 or 4 Others

Sunday at the Masters, or as I call it over here, Involuntary Naptime. Hopefully, one of the ESPN networks will have cheerleading on. (Note: on ESPN2 this afternoon, women's pool. Not the good kind of "women" and "pool", but the one with felt and balls. Again, not the good kind of "felt balls".) That should keep the eyes open. It’s a bee-YOO-tiful day outside, so take your TV to the porch and enjoy yourself. Unless you plan to watch Skinemax, in which case you should enjoy yourself inside.

On to the parlay picks!

The NBA game of the day in my mind is Houston at Denver…. one team has something to play for, while the other can try to rest for the playoffs. Seems like a no-brainer, until I tell you the first team would be the knucklehead Denver Nuggets, who just can’t get their crap together, and the second team is the Houston Rockets, who got out of their funk following their 22-game win streak to win their last five games. Plus, the Rockets have won two of three against the Nuggets this year. Now, you think it should be Houston, based on all the numbers, and you think it should be Denver, based on something to play for. That’s why I pick the Orlando Magic (-4, -110) to beat the Bulls.

As for MLB, the baseball world is abuzz (as frickin’ always) about the Yanks and the Sox. Normally, I’d just say screw it and put on “Scrubs” reruns, but I love the matchups here. The Yankees have Phil Hughes, who got pwned (that’s right, I’m hep) by the Royals in his first start, starting in Fenway tonight. The Red Sox have Dice-K, who has been on fire. I look for target practice tonight, which is why I’m taking the Red Sox to win (-1.5, +140), to score first (-105), to score over 4.5 runs (-130), and that someone will score in the first inning (-120).

Total winning haul: 28.02 units

Bonus Pony Play! Hooray!

Texas Devil (5-2) in the 3rd at Santa Anita
MVP Grand (5-1) in the 3rd and A to the Croft (6-5) in the 7th at Keeneland
Activator (5-1) in the 7th at Gulfstream.

Thank me later, bitches!

--Freelove

A parlay winner! Huzzah!

Win: 28.02

Units +/- to date: +26.02

Triple Deke

I will not apologize for the fact that I'm a big time sucker for inspirational-type Disney sports movies, and The Mighty Ducks are at the top of the list (better luck next time, Big Green and Little Giants fans - chumps!). Who can't identify with a selfish high priced Minneapolis lawyer who turns it around with the help of the future Pacey and a fat Jewish goalie? I'm sure you see that at least three times waiting to check out at Sears at the Mall of America.

Really, there's no reason for this movie to be made, let alone be somewhat passable. But it does fulfill the rule of any team sports movie - any protagonistic team has to be really bad (I mean, worse than expansion team bad, like put on your uniform backwards bad), then come back from awful to a championship, or at least championship's front porch. You want a list? "It Happens Every Spring", "The Kid from Left Field" (original and NBC TV movie version with Gary Coleman, Robert Guillaume, Gary Collins and Ed McMahon - remind me to come back to this one some day), "The Bad News Bears", "Angels in the Outfield", "Rookie of the Year", .... that's just baseball; I'll go on all day, bee-yotch. My point is, the sporty movies almost always go this route. Personally, I'd be refreshed if someone focused on the .500 team and went through their win one - lose one struggles. No, it wouldn't be terribly interesting, but it would still be refreshing. Like Sprite Zero.

But you know what sports movie doesn't play this game - D2: The Mighty Ducks . They make and break their own rules. They're not the underdogs, they're a favorite. They implausibly insert new characters. Hey, it's the broad who's on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent"! It's the fat black kid who's now on "Saturday Night Live" who might be kinda funny but they never really let him do any heavy lifting! And wow, they get a really good national-level goalie (and she's a chick!) but they still put the fat Jewish kid from Minnesota who sorta sucks betwixt the pipes! It's the movie that really holds up to multiple viewings. So when I need an NHL game to start my parlay, I gotta go with the team inspired by the movie, the Anaheim Ducks, nee the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. For that, and because they're like the defending Stanley Cup champions. But really the movie.

1. Anaheim Ducks (NHL) (-170)

2. Dallas Mavericks (NBA) -4-1/2 (-110)
This goes a little back to my earlier point - no one makes movies about the middle of the pack teams. Sure, the race for the last 2 spots in the WC playoffs are exciting, but really it's not much to write home about. I really liked the win Sunday over Phoenix, and they're on a nice little roll. I think the Mavs turn it on tonight so they can relax a hair over the next week plus. Also, the Jazz got their big road win this week, thank you, they'll just take the rest home in a doggy bag. And Memo Okur has to show that he is not a you-can-count-on-me-for-20-and-10-guy, but he's just a big Turkish guy who will go 1-5 from the land of threes and who probably smells in that Eastern European type of way.

3. Kansas City Royals (MLB) (+133)
KC's doing their "Hey, it's April, we can compete too, lookit ma, lookit!" schtick. God bless 'em, they're so cute at this age. Eventually, they'll have to go to bed and Mommy and Daddy can break out the good Scotch, but I think the Royals get to play for just a little more. Plus, I'm not really feeling Andy Pettite just yet. Gees, you would have thought he had a chance to relax all off-season and be refreshed for '08.

Units to wager: 1
Units to win: 6.06

Result: Loss

Units +/- to date: -2

--Doneycat

My first triple

I just came back from Vegas (not a winner mind you, just back). Easily the best time was sitting in and around the sportsbook, cheering with a betting slip/future bookmark in hand. Now back home, I figured that I would try to bring that magic back and put in blog form the thoughts in my convoluted head how I could make untold fortunes by hitting on a glorious parlay (read: sucker bet). Like any good gambler, you sometimes have to make do with what's out there; not every game is going to be Lakers-Suns or the Super Bowl. Where's the fun in that? No, I want to capture the sheer joy of picking a WAC game over as Saturday Night Live ends on a cool October evening (I think the host will be John Krasinski). So pop culture will be a part of it too. Lines will be taken generally from bodoglife.

Part 1: Ottawa-Pittsburgh (NHL) under 5-1/2 goals (-130)
Oooh - NHL playoffs! No more shootouts, slightly less goonery (but not an eradication of said goonery), post-series handshakes, and scrolling through DirecTV to find Versus (still 603, right?). I'll freely admit, I haven't followed much hockey since the lockout. Sadly, it's off the radar once the games are of the WorldWide Leader. Still, the Penguins have a guy in Gatorade commercials (it's either Sidney Crosby or Mia Hamm) - that has to count for something. So this guy was/is the savior of hockey in Pittsburgh, and last year's playoff debut against the Sens did not go well - quick work by the eventual Eastern Conference champs 4-1. I see it as the pressure being on the Pens. Definitely don't want to go out early 2 in a row. This one stays close to the vest, maybe opening up in game 2.

Part 2: Philadelphia (NBA) -4 (-110)
Okay, who in the name of Andrew Toney let the Sixers get moderately good? Andre Miller since December is a solid PG a lot of teams could use; AI 2.0 can fill the stat sheet; Dalembert does things that are ... Dalember-ry. Okay, this isn't the Showtime Lakers, but they should be past the point where they are surprising people now - you know you'll be up for a fight all night with them. Now Deee-troooyyt Bas-Ket-Baaaaaaalllll! is in mild shutdown mode right now getting ready for the playoffs and all. I guess they have to shut down to make sure playoff updates can take effect. Don't you hate it when you have to reboot and it takes so long to configure? I've got to clean out my start folder.

Part 3: American Idol "Idol Gives Back" raises over $100 million (-150)
I'll admit it, I 'm sort of an Idol fan. Not a "go down to Staples, get some poster board, markers, and glitter, cut and paste a picture, proclaim myself an 'Arch-Angel', and hit speed dial on an 866 number" FAN, but a fan. I like the singing, I like stars being made, I like people having to bust their ass to stay alive, and I LOVE the stiffly choreographed musical numbers/Ford commercials. 7 seasons and they keep doing them, God bless 'em. Anyway, I wanted to do an Idol wager and this intrigued me. I looked up on wiki to see what last year raised - approx. $70million. Now this year, they have been pimping it from day 1 (where last year it got kinda sprung). I figure that the American people being told what's good for them will make them come through on this number. As auto part king Ray Zalinski (and Callahan Brake Pad seller) said, “What the American public doesn’t know is what makes them 'The American Public'." Auto parts, multi-media conglomeration talent show - same thing. Trust me.

Units bet: 1
Units to win: 4.69
Result: Lose (unless you people give to "Idol Gives Back", dangit!)

--Doneycat